I’m not too good with my words…
If I was there I could explain. It’s so hard for me to do anything from here. I miss you. Not just as my girlfriend, but as a friend period. I miss talking to you all of the time and going to you when I need help. I want to help, but all I feel like I do is hurt. I don’t know what the words are to say what I’m thinking right now. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me. I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could explain myself and what I’m thinking, what I’m feeling. I want you as my friend. Well, I still want you as more but I don’t care either way. I just want you. I still want to meet you and know that you’re real, I still want to do everything. You promised me that you’ll be there for me forever, and I still believe you. I’m not going to try anymore, I’m just going to do it. Whatever I can do, I’ll do it.
I promise:
~ To treat you like a princess
~ To never lie to you
~ To help you with any problem you have
~ To drop everything just to make sure you’re happy
~ To stay up late making sure you’re able to sleep
~ To do anything you want me to
~ To go camping with you
~ To make you tea whenever you want
~ To make you soup when you’re sick
~ To cuddle with you
~ To watch movies with you
~ To keep you safe
~ To prove to you that there are people that will treat you right
~ To keep every promise I make
~ To love you endlessly
I love you so so much beautiful<3 I never want to lose you and I know that I never will. I’ll walk the 1809 miles it is to get to you if I need to. I want nothing more than to be able to be next to you so I can hold you and try to make everything okay. I want to protect you from everything that’s hurting you at all, even in the slightest ways. In my eyes you’re everything I could ever ask for. You’re so amazing and beautiful that I can hardly believe that I’m able to call you mine (:
What am I supposed to do from here? I have nobody left near me that I can go to. I don’t want to live here anymore. Everybody just hates me and wants me gone. I should’ve given up trusting people earlier this year when what I said got to her, but I didn’t and it happened again. What the hell is wrong with me?! Why can’t I just learn from my mistakes just like everybody else? It doesn’t matter who I go to anymore. It’s either they pity me, I’m annoying them, or they just don’t care. All I need is somebody to be there for me that will hold me and tell me that things are going to be alright. But that’s not going to happen. I need to stop thinking these thoughts before they take over.
I’m sick and tired of being replaced by everybody! I’m sick of being the default friend that everybody comes to when they need to talk but completely leave when they’re done. I’m sick of just being in the shadows, being ignored, being invisible. I’m sick of being me.
Holy shit would you just shut the fuck up already?! I don’t give a fucking shit about how much you love your goddamn boyfriend and I never fucking have!! Just shut the fuck up already!!! Can’t you see how fucking selfish you’re being? I swear to fucking God you’re only coming to me with this shit in order to make me feel like fucking shit for something I didn’t even fucking do! I don’t fucking give a shit!! I’m done with having to bottle every little piece of whatever the fuck is going through my mind and never letting it out until I explode.. The only fucking time you talk to me anymore is when you want to talk about your fucking boyfriend! I’m fucking sick of having my goddamn heart broken every fucking time I see you with him then having to pretend like everything is just fucking perfect. I’m fucking sick of causing myself comstant pain, whether it me physical or not, because of you! Whenever you see fucking cuts and scars on me you wonder what the fuck happened that caused it, look in the fucking mirror and you’ll see it.
God fucking Dammit!!
I want to hide. I just want to run away where nobody can find me, and hide. I don’t want to deal with people anymore. I don’t want to deal with people constantly letting me down then just leaving me with nothing more then lonliness, and heartbreak. I’m done with it all. I just need to run and get away from it all. I just need something or somebody to prove all of my thoughts wrong. Just one person that will always be there for me, even when I’m bitchy and depressing. Somebody that will walk the earth to make sure I’m ok.
Until that day, I’m done.
